I live in a 1,000 sq foot guest house with my husband of a year and a half. We do not have a kitchen. We have a room with a fridge and an oven.... and i must not forget, a dishwasher... thats broke. no sink. no countertops. We have been "working on it" since before we moved in. Our goal was to save money and to buy a home after living here for a year, but anyone who is a newlywed can attest, thats not the easiest thing to do.
Let me take a step back and start from the very beginning.
Our first date---
I'll never forget it.. matter of fact, I still remember what I was wearing: skinny jeans, rider boots, and a long sleeved, "burnt out", fall- colored shirt. My hair was fixed with a 3-barrell curling iron. He picked me up in a silver dodge ram pickup.. My first thought was "nice, I like a man who drives a truck" (i don't know why i find that so attractive, so don't ask). If I am being completely honest, I did not expect anything to come from this. I had known Michael through a previous guy I dated when I was 15 years old and that was probably one of the lower points of my life.. It wasn't till I was 20 that I seen Michael (hanging out with the same mutual "friend") and thought... wow! he is a lot cuter than I remember! ;)
I was nervous for this night... I didn't know what to expect. I had never really been on a real date... and yes, I was 21 years old... and yes, i had a few boyfriends previously, but none courted me. I remember hopping up into his truck and immediately started talking his ear off (UGH! WHY DO I DO THAT WHEN IM NERVOUS?!) Instead of enjoying the silence, I had to say something to make it less-awkward. We went bowling. He won. We sat in a grocery store parking lot and then he took me back to my car... I don't remember every conversation, I don't remember the score, & no, we did not fall in love that night! however, I do remember that I didn't want the night to end.
Michael and I didn't see each other again for over two weeks... I was going through a lot of things and made some not-so-wise decisions. I missed him. I missed him a lot...and that totally freaked me out. I had gone through some not so great days with guys that ruined the "lovey dovey" scene for me. I didn't "miss" guys. I just didn't. I never allowed myself to do so. I thought for sure I would be single forever. I thought for sure I was ugly because I valued myself on how many guys (or lack-there-of) were interested in me. I had been "burnt" many times by the "L" word and as much as I hated it, I longed for it (as most girls do).
Let it be known that my "bad decisions" involved a man (more like a boy).
To clarify, I did not run to the FIRST man who gave me attention. I had plenty of guys that gave me attention but it was in all the wrong ways.
Michael and I did not date for 5 years. heck, we didn't even date for 5 months.
The beauty in it all is that this was OUR decision. We were "official" in march. He proposed in June, and we were married September 1. Its funny to think back... it took us a month until we even had our first kiss, but we had no problem rushing everything else.
This is where the reasoning of this blog entry comes into place.
As a little girl I dreamt of being married. I dreamt of the way marriage would be, the way parenting would be. Although I am still dreaming of the parenting part, I now know that marriage is not at all what it seems.
Before you think that I am bashing marriage, think again. I LOVE MARRIAGE. I LOVE IT. I love the fights and making ups, I don't mind the disagreements on money, the tears that come after an argument, and the lovely "stop leaving the toilet seat up" convo's. I love it all. but not because it is marriage, but because of who I am in that marriage with.
As girls we tend to over-obsess with the things of our wedding day.. the dress, the flowers, the center-pieces, the RING, and everything that says "its all about me"... but in all honesty, the closer my wedding day got the more I realized I didnt care. I could have went and eloped (saved my parents a ton of money) and still ended up loving marriage just the same.
No, I did not dream and fantasize about living next to my parents in a renovated "pool home". I didn't fantasize about arguments and words being flown that neither of us mean, and I most definitely did not dream about the day when I would come to terms with the fact that not EVERYONE is FOR US.
I know, I snuck that one in there... but that one line is the motivation between this entire entry.
Not everyone is for our marriage. In fact, there may be people in my husbands family that may not even like me. There may be people in my family that may not like Michael. One thing that I have learned is that everyone has an opinion on everything.. and I have always been quick to turn a blind-eye to the opinions others may make on my marriage or whether or not one of us deserves the other but today I stand up and say "it doesn't matter".
If you know me, you know I am a control freak/people pleaser. I hate it when others are mad at me. I lose sleep when I hear that someone doesn't like me. (yes, me. the outgoing "i dont give a damn" attitude is just a facade). I am insecure. I want people to like me. I want people to know me. I say things I don't mean often, but I am very tender-hearted and feel bad almost immediately. I admit when I am wrong, I apologize quickly and accept apologies even faster. But trying to win the approval of everyone else is exhausting. It is absolutely tiring. It is taking a toll on my marriage.
Marriage is innocent. whether you lived together for years before, whether you waited for marriage, or whether you didnt wait but wish you had-- marriage is sacred. Marriage is between 3 people. & as much as some people get caught in the moment and think that they're one of the three, let me break it down for you -God, Husband, Wife. not Husband, Wife, Brides mom. not Husband, Wife, husbands cousin. It has nothing to do with anyone else.
I am not the perfect wife.
I do not cook every night.
I do not clean every day.
My husband is also not the perfect husband.
To insinuate that one of us is more perfect than the other is to say that humanity has the ability to be perfect. Considering that we are incapable of being "perfect" I would say that it is okay if I do not live a life as Lucille Ball in 'I love Lucy'. Just as it is okay that my husband is no Ryan Gosling in 'The Notebook' or any other movie where the man romances his lady like she is the only one on earth. Yes, Michael loves me like no one else. I love Michael more than anything in this world. I scratch his back, I write him love letters, I give him baths, I buy him clothes, I organize the closet, I send him sappy text messages throughout the day. I long to be the "perfect wife" although it will never be possible, but what exactly makes someone a "perfect wife"???
Your opinion is not always needed, nor is mine- and I'm actually IN this marriage.
In closing,
I don't think people really understand what marriage is until you have been married. Marriage is not "she does everything for him, he does everything for her, they argue, they make up, they frolic in leaves and skip through daisy fields hand in hand."
Until you see that, I don't think you should have your concerns of my marriage. We trust in God, we trust in authority that God puts in our lives, and everything else is just hear-say to me.
The opinion of man does not matter to anymore. ESPECIALLY regarding my marriage.
Make assumptions on my marriage if you must, however- unless you think I love my husband, I want him to know how much I love him, I strive to be a better wife, and he also loves me, wants me to know he loves me, and strives to be a better husband-- then you're wrong.
Glad we cleared that up. :)
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