I wrote this a little over a year ago after i had a revelation...
This is me, as the prodigal son...
As i sit here contemplating certain decisions.. thinking back on memorable moments in life.. tears from the heart, laughter from the soul, i sit back and wonder 'where am i heading'?
i was once in love with life. not because of friends, or family, or my country, not because of my hobbies, or my church, but because i knew who i was.. i knew what i wanted.. where i wanted to be.. where i didnt want to be.. and i was confident that all would fall into place in due time. I didnt hold my own life in my hands, but it belonged to someone else. i never lived my life as tho i would someday die for myself, or as if i was living for myself. i knew who held the key to my heart and i wouldnt allow anyone to try and sift that key away.. even if it meant being "alone" in worldly terms. I had the world at my fingertips because the one who is seated on the thrown lived in me. He guarded me and He lead me. I waited on Him before i moved, I called to Him before i spoke, and i rested in Him before I listened.
I was connected to Him through a wooden tree, and that wooden tree and him combined--it saved my life. Had it not been for this man who is greater then any other man... i would be lost, cold, & hopeless.
--the tree held my pain, the Man embraced it.
I saw a light, and i turned away from it. I heard a sweet voice, and i was dismayed. I felt a tender hand, and pushed it aside. I began to hide in my own desires. what do i want. where do i want to be. how can i get there. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME was my disclaimer, and I had nothing else i wanted to say.
I have dreamt of freedom, of true happiness, of fresh air, and the life i knew i could have.. but for some reason, i turned my back.. i faced the crowd, nudging and rummaging my way to the back. 'I'm not a leader' i murmured, 'im tired of the responsibility' i shouted.. & as i made it to the ending gap of where followers and desolation was divided, i scraped all that was left inside of me, holding onto my flesh.. and i slowly walked away from the hustle and walked into the darkness that ever so strangely still sends a chill down my spine.
I remember how it happened. it didnt come out of nowhere, but my heart was familiar with it all along.. almost as if my body had waited for the moment to break away from the rules.. and i got to live. little did i know, the terms live and die resemble one another a lot in this context.. actually, more then i had realized. My insides were slowly dying away.. where was my conscience and my conviction?.. where has my morals aspirations gone? was i truly living in freedom, or was i in denial knowing the true meaning of this freedom i was actually basking in was in itself true bondage?... did i lie to myself for so long that i was okay with being in bondage?...
as my flesh stayed, kicked back its feet, and enjoyed the scenery..i felt complacent. That alone was not something i wanted to feel. How could this dark room ever bring me satisfaction? I am not sure if i was more concerned about the destination i had found myself in at the time, or if i was upset that i was truly alone. Where are these friends that said they'd be here for me? where is the family that always said 'family comes first'? where are the ones i should have forgotten, but said that they would always love me? where are they now?
i knew they were around.. but i felt as if they weren't there for me. I felt their lingering eyes penetrating in my skull as i cried for help, i heard the mocking laughs as i wept, I saw the disapproving and disappointment in the way they looked at me. i was in a raging river, without a life jacket.. no one threw me a line, no one threw me a floating device, no one jumped in and rescued me... yet the whole time people cried out for help.. who they were talking to, may very well be the One who still holds my heart... in the midst of adversity i felt the strong grip.. I was calm, was not frightened, i was secure for the first time. Needless to say i made it back to shore. clothes are a mess, makeup smeared, hair tangled, bursting out into tears, i fell to the ground. I heard voices.. "take off the dirty clothes, and put these on".."heres a towel to wipe off your face.." "he will never wanna be with you looking like that!".... i felt an arm brush against my back. as i looked, i saw the most beautiful face, too hard to even try to imagine. His cheeks were glossy, and his eyes were radiant. He stood me up, brushed the mangled hair out of my face, looked into my eyes, and said with the softest voice, "You're beautiful"... oddly enough, i believed Him. I knew He thought about me. I knew He watched me. He knew everything about me. He didn't ask me to change my clothes, to fix my hair, to clean my face... he simply held me, as if all he saw was my heart.
i was secure in his rescue, but why was i so concerned at the way i looked? why was my focus on the outside? why did i care about what people thought of me?...
i feel like a product of my generation... and this is not who i am suppose to be.
When i look in the mirror, there is a pigment of someone i have only seen in my past. but the question still lingers, who WILL i be in my future?... sure, i have goals... but will they be achieved? I ask myself this often.. it still remains a mystery. a cloud of smoke in an open pasture. not sure where to turn next...
the clothes are my back are so heavy and cold and have the aroma of mildew from the water. I know i should take them off, but then what is left to clothe me? leaves from a fig tree?.... not a bad idea, but sounds like too much work. I am uncomfortable, cold, have no idea where i am going, and i want to get out of these clothes! within seconds i find myself on the shoulder of the narrow road, taking a break from the commotion in my head. This is not where i belong...
I want to run free but be surrounded by fences... not to hold me back, but to protect me. I want to look up at the sun, and feel small but big because i know who created it. i want to dive into the unknown without the fear of getting hurt. i wanna trust that people do love me, and care for me. I want to believe what people tell me. I want to see myself as beautiful. i want to be confident. alive. i want TRUE FREEDOM.
maybe ill have to drop things along the way.. but one day i will feel lighter. i will be able to breathe. ill be able to smile without the aching pain inside that comes with it. i wanna share my story. i want to impact peoples lives. i want to love and smile and hug. i want to be who You created me to be.
use me. do as You please. Tou took my pain on the tree. You rescued me from raging waters. You gave me rest in the midst of a dreadful adventure, and You gave me LOVE.
no more running wild, im Yours for life.. You got me here. You got me here. :)
i was once in love with life. not because of friends, or family, or my country, not because of my hobbies, or my church, but because i knew who i was.. i knew what i wanted.. where i wanted to be.. where i didnt want to be.. and i was confident that all would fall into place in due time. I didnt hold my own life in my hands, but it belonged to someone else. i never lived my life as tho i would someday die for myself, or as if i was living for myself. i knew who held the key to my heart and i wouldnt allow anyone to try and sift that key away.. even if it meant being "alone" in worldly terms. I had the world at my fingertips because the one who is seated on the thrown lived in me. He guarded me and He lead me. I waited on Him before i moved, I called to Him before i spoke, and i rested in Him before I listened.
I was connected to Him through a wooden tree, and that wooden tree and him combined--it saved my life. Had it not been for this man who is greater then any other man... i would be lost, cold, & hopeless.
--the tree held my pain, the Man embraced it.
I saw a light, and i turned away from it. I heard a sweet voice, and i was dismayed. I felt a tender hand, and pushed it aside. I began to hide in my own desires. what do i want. where do i want to be. how can i get there. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME was my disclaimer, and I had nothing else i wanted to say.
I have dreamt of freedom, of true happiness, of fresh air, and the life i knew i could have.. but for some reason, i turned my back.. i faced the crowd, nudging and rummaging my way to the back. 'I'm not a leader' i murmured, 'im tired of the responsibility' i shouted.. & as i made it to the ending gap of where followers and desolation was divided, i scraped all that was left inside of me, holding onto my flesh.. and i slowly walked away from the hustle and walked into the darkness that ever so strangely still sends a chill down my spine.
I remember how it happened. it didnt come out of nowhere, but my heart was familiar with it all along.. almost as if my body had waited for the moment to break away from the rules.. and i got to live. little did i know, the terms live and die resemble one another a lot in this context.. actually, more then i had realized. My insides were slowly dying away.. where was my conscience and my conviction?.. where has my morals aspirations gone? was i truly living in freedom, or was i in denial knowing the true meaning of this freedom i was actually basking in was in itself true bondage?... did i lie to myself for so long that i was okay with being in bondage?...
as my flesh stayed, kicked back its feet, and enjoyed the scenery..i felt complacent. That alone was not something i wanted to feel. How could this dark room ever bring me satisfaction? I am not sure if i was more concerned about the destination i had found myself in at the time, or if i was upset that i was truly alone. Where are these friends that said they'd be here for me? where is the family that always said 'family comes first'? where are the ones i should have forgotten, but said that they would always love me? where are they now?
i knew they were around.. but i felt as if they weren't there for me. I felt their lingering eyes penetrating in my skull as i cried for help, i heard the mocking laughs as i wept, I saw the disapproving and disappointment in the way they looked at me. i was in a raging river, without a life jacket.. no one threw me a line, no one threw me a floating device, no one jumped in and rescued me... yet the whole time people cried out for help.. who they were talking to, may very well be the One who still holds my heart... in the midst of adversity i felt the strong grip.. I was calm, was not frightened, i was secure for the first time. Needless to say i made it back to shore. clothes are a mess, makeup smeared, hair tangled, bursting out into tears, i fell to the ground. I heard voices.. "take off the dirty clothes, and put these on".."heres a towel to wipe off your face.." "he will never wanna be with you looking like that!".... i felt an arm brush against my back. as i looked, i saw the most beautiful face, too hard to even try to imagine. His cheeks were glossy, and his eyes were radiant. He stood me up, brushed the mangled hair out of my face, looked into my eyes, and said with the softest voice, "You're beautiful"... oddly enough, i believed Him. I knew He thought about me. I knew He watched me. He knew everything about me. He didn't ask me to change my clothes, to fix my hair, to clean my face... he simply held me, as if all he saw was my heart.
i was secure in his rescue, but why was i so concerned at the way i looked? why was my focus on the outside? why did i care about what people thought of me?...
i feel like a product of my generation... and this is not who i am suppose to be.
When i look in the mirror, there is a pigment of someone i have only seen in my past. but the question still lingers, who WILL i be in my future?... sure, i have goals... but will they be achieved? I ask myself this often.. it still remains a mystery. a cloud of smoke in an open pasture. not sure where to turn next...
the clothes are my back are so heavy and cold and have the aroma of mildew from the water. I know i should take them off, but then what is left to clothe me? leaves from a fig tree?.... not a bad idea, but sounds like too much work. I am uncomfortable, cold, have no idea where i am going, and i want to get out of these clothes! within seconds i find myself on the shoulder of the narrow road, taking a break from the commotion in my head. This is not where i belong...
I want to run free but be surrounded by fences... not to hold me back, but to protect me. I want to look up at the sun, and feel small but big because i know who created it. i want to dive into the unknown without the fear of getting hurt. i wanna trust that people do love me, and care for me. I want to believe what people tell me. I want to see myself as beautiful. i want to be confident. alive. i want TRUE FREEDOM.
maybe ill have to drop things along the way.. but one day i will feel lighter. i will be able to breathe. ill be able to smile without the aching pain inside that comes with it. i wanna share my story. i want to impact peoples lives. i want to love and smile and hug. i want to be who You created me to be.
use me. do as You please. Tou took my pain on the tree. You rescued me from raging waters. You gave me rest in the midst of a dreadful adventure, and You gave me LOVE.
no more running wild, im Yours for life.. You got me here. You got me here. :)
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