sweetly broken

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall 
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy9CGymYvuA
Leeland- Carried to the Table.




I learned an interesting fact a few years back that will forever be imbedded in my heart and my mind.  When a shepherd loses one of his sheep and finds it he breaks all four of the legs on the sheep.  After breaking the legs and making the sheep lame, he begins to wrap the two front legs together and the two hind legs together.  He then proceeds to pick the lamed sheep up, and puts the sheep around his neck.  All the while as the sheep is being carried by the shepherd until the legs are mended, the shepherd talks out loud to himself, thinking out loud, talking to the sheep.  When the sheep legs are healed and whole, the sheep never leaves the shepherds side.  The sheep is so in tune with the shepherds voice that he nearly clings to the shepherd from that point on.



When I first heard this, I was in a season much like the one I am in now.  I was broken.  Feeling completely and utterly hopeless and alone, like nothing I did was right, I felt like a failure...
I feel a lot now, how i felt then. I feel like a disappointment.  I feel like I have no control over anything, and if you know me you know that 'not having control' feeling alone is like torture to me.  But for some reason, I am okay.  I am relaxed.  Embarrassed, hurt and confused, yes, but I am also surprisingly calm.  






One thing that always fascinated me about the story of the shepherd and his sheep is that he wraps the legs and then carries the sheep until the sheep is no longer wounded.
Am I the only one who finds that beautiful? 
Maybe I am alone when I say that there have been numerous times I have felt lame, and completely broken, but yet I was carried. 


I am being carried right now, and I'd be lying if I said this wasnt the best feeling in the world.  Yes, I am broken... but I am cared for enough to not be left this way.  I am broken, but I am being carried.  I am being carried as I am healing but in my opinion, being carried isnt the part that makes this season worth while.  The part I desperately long for, is the part where Jesus begins to speak to me, and He doesnt stop.  Day and night he is whispering into my ear, words of healing, words of love, words of redemption.... 


There is something so intimate and sweet about the broken seasons of our lives.




I have always tried to hide when I was broken.  There is something about a wounded and lamed heart that isnt attractive to the naked eye.  One might say that I am too emotional in this season, and others might say I am too hard, but the truth of the matter is.... in a broken season I am vulnerable, and I can't fight that anymore.


for years I have been marked with this impression that brokenness means you don't have it all together and the church almost looks down on that.  And, well, as sad as I am to say it, I agree.  But what is wrong with not having everything together? Can you honestly say you know ANYONE who has it "all together"??? if you say yes, you're lying. We are flawed and we live in a flawed world, therefore nothing is going to be perfect and no one can have it all together.  So why do we put on a mask and pretend like we do have it all together??? My opinion: The church, the BODY OF CHRIST, has come up with a list of things you need to have to "fit in" although their motto is "come as you are" what they mean is, "come as who you want us to think you are".  Now, keep in mind that I am honestly not placing ALL churches in with this, mainly a church I spent most of my teen years in. I felt like I could never "come clean" or "come out" with who I really was or how i REALLY felt, and, well, no one really asked, so I assumed that they didnt care.  I went throughout my days in highschool as a complete hypocrite but was so rooted in so much sin and there was no one there offering to help me.  I began pretending like i had it all together... it was so easy, but i was so miserable!


I received the most incredible yet simplistic revelation not long ago and it was this : GOD SEES MY BROKENNESS AS BEAUTY, AND HE LOVES ME AND EVERY CREVIC OF MY BROKEN LIFE.
Ever since this revelation it has literally been as if He gave me permission to, well, be ME. in WHATEVER season of my life.  I can walk in it knowing that I AM LOVED, AND ADORED, AND SEEN AS BEAUTIFUL.


Thats right, God sees ME, this fragile, bruised, and broken THING as BEAUTY. as a MASTERPIECE.




At the top of this entry I posted the lyrics to a song that has moved me in ways unexplainable.  The lyrics alone bring tears to my eyes.
It describes my life: wounded, forsaken, broken, forgotten, lost, alone... but something shifts.  When He is in the presence of the King, he no longer sees his brokenness... ah... I love it.




The beauty of brokenness is that even when you try to hide it, God SEES you there and CARRIES you. 


Psalm 34 has always been a favorite of mine, but verse 18 gets me everytime..
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (nlt) 
the Message says, "if your heart is broken, you'll find God right there!"
Its pure, its beauty, its sweet.  God LOVES us... I can't stop smiling when I think about it!




When I was in 8th grade I was at a cheer camp in shangri-la.  My parents weren't able to make it to the camp on the last day so I ended up riding home with my best friend at the time, Tobi and her family.  We had it all planned out that they were going to drop me off in Muskogee and I was going to spend the remainder of the summer with my cousins, uncles aunts, and grandparents. I couldnt wait to see my family!  When we were about an hour out of Muskogee I started having the most excruciating side pains in my life!!!  I will never forget it.  My stomach was in so much pain that it was causing my entire body to ache, especially my side and my back.  When I got to Muskogee the pain had lessened but within 24 hours I was running a fever and was having the same severe pains.  My mamaw was mad at me because I spent the night with my aunt the first night i was there (i know, it sounds dumb but you have to know my mamaw.... well, even then you wouldnt understand it lol)  I was told by my own grandparents that I was not welcomed back over there.... problems kept occurring physically and emotionally.  nothing was going right.
I ended up having to go to the hospital where I was told I had appendicitis... I was having to go down to get an ultra sound, there were no nurses around and I couldnt walk... no wheelchairs in sight.... my dad came to my bedside, picked me up, and carried me.  now to the average girl with the average dad this may be normal... but for me, my mom and dad divorced when i was 9 and I have always been much closer to my step dad then my biological dad, which would explain why I never will forget it.  I felt protected.  and even though I was in a great deal of pain, I was comfortable.


This is God. WHEN EVERYTHING IN OUR LIFE IS LITERALLY CAVING IN ON US, WHEN NOTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING RIGHT.. OUR FAMILIES BETRAY US, WE FEEL HURT, ABANDONED, CONFUSED... HE PICKS US UP, SO WE CAN FEEL COMFORT. 
Im telling the truth.... I was so moved that my dad was carrying me, I was like his baby girl again, for a moment I forgot I was even hurt. & that is how God is, too.


You know when you are trying to buy something at the store and you realize its damaged or broken? you put it back on the shelf... and find one that is in tact. THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. and subconsciously I think that is how we all feel at some point... that since we are broken... God is wanting to find someone who isnt... 
but Leeland said it best... "EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS, THE SAVIOR CALLED MY NAME."


Maybe this is the whole meaning of life.  That yes... there will be tough times... and yes you will be broken... but broken to be mended again... and in being mended again your relationship with God will be stronger, better, more intimate.  That even when you're broken, his destiny for your life still stands... and he loves you the same.


its bittersweet. but much more sweet.  That the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE.... MENDS YOU, AND DELIGHTS IN YOU... EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BROKEN... EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DAMAGED...


I'm sweetly broken... and I'm not ashamed anymore.

No more running wild...

I wrote this a little over a year ago after i had a revelation... 

This is me, as the prodigal son... 

As i sit here contemplating certain decisions.. thinking back on memorable moments in life.. tears from the heart, laughter from the soul, i sit back and wonder 'where am i heading'?

i was once in love with life. not because of friends, or family, or my country, not because of my hobbies, or my church, but because i knew who i was.. i knew what i wanted.. where i wanted to be.. where i didnt want to be.. and i was confident that all would fall into place in due time. I didnt hold my own life in my hands, but it belonged to someone else. i never lived my life as tho i would someday die for myself, or as if i was living for myself. i knew who held the key to my heart and i wouldnt allow anyone to try and sift that key away.. even if it meant being "alone" in worldly terms. I had the world at my fingertips because the one who is seated on the thrown lived in me. He guarded me and He lead me. I waited on Him before i moved, I called to Him before i spoke, and i rested in Him before I listened.

I was connected to Him through a wooden tree, and that wooden tree and him combined--it saved my life. Had it not been for this man who is greater then any other man... i would be lost, cold, & hopeless.

--the tree held my pain, the Man embraced it.

I saw a light, and i turned away from it. I heard a sweet voice, and i was dismayed. I felt a tender hand, and pushed it aside. I began to hide in my own desires. what do i want. where do i want to be. how can i get there. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME was my disclaimer, and I had nothing else i wanted to say.

I have dreamt of freedom, of true happiness, of fresh air, and the life i knew i could have.. but for some reason, i turned my back.. i faced the crowd, nudging and rummaging my way to the back. 'I'm not a leader' i murmured, 'im tired of the responsibility' i shouted.. & as i made it to the ending gap of where followers and desolation was divided, i scraped all that was left inside of me, holding onto my flesh.. and i slowly walked away from the hustle and walked into the darkness that ever so strangely still sends a chill down my spine.

I remember how it happened. it didnt come out of nowhere, but my heart was familiar with it all along.. almost as if my body had waited for the moment to break away from the rules.. and i got to live. little did i know, the terms live and die resemble one another a lot in this context.. actually, more then i had realized. My insides were slowly dying away.. where was my conscience and my conviction?.. where has my morals aspirations gone? was i truly living in freedom, or was i in denial knowing the true meaning of this freedom i was actually basking in was in itself true bondage?... did i lie to myself for so long that i was okay with being in bondage?...

as my flesh stayed, kicked back its feet, and enjoyed the scenery..i felt complacent. That alone was not something i wanted to feel. How could this dark room ever bring me satisfaction? I am not sure if i was more concerned about the destination i had found myself in at the time, or if i was upset that i was truly alone. Where are these friends that said they'd be here for me? where is the family that always said 'family comes first'? where are the ones i should have forgotten, but said that they would always love me? where are they now?

i knew they were around.. but i felt as if they weren't there for me. I felt their lingering eyes penetrating in my skull as i cried for help, i heard the mocking laughs as i wept, I saw the disapproving and disappointment in the way they looked at me. i was in a raging river, without a life jacket.. no one threw me a line, no one threw me a floating device, no one jumped in and rescued me... yet the whole time people cried out for help.. who they were talking to, may very well be the One who still holds my heart... in the midst of adversity i felt the strong grip.. I was calm, was not frightened, i was secure for the first time. Needless to say i made it back to shore. clothes are a mess, makeup smeared, hair tangled, bursting out into tears, i fell to the ground. I heard voices.. "take off the dirty clothes, and put these on".."heres a towel to wipe off your face.." "he will never wanna be with you looking like that!".... i felt an arm brush against my back. as i looked, i saw the most beautiful face, too hard to even try to imagine. His cheeks were glossy, and his eyes were radiant. He stood me up, brushed the mangled hair out of my face, looked into my eyes, and said with the softest voice, "You're beautiful"... oddly enough, i believed Him. I knew He thought about me. I knew He watched me. He knew everything about me. He didn't ask me to change my clothes, to fix my hair, to clean my face... he simply held me, as if all he saw was my heart.

i was secure in his rescue, but why was i so concerned at the way i looked? why was my focus on the outside? why did i care about what people thought of me?...

i feel like a product of my generation... and this is not who i am suppose to be.

When i look in the mirror, there is a pigment of someone i have only seen in my past. but the question still lingers, who WILL i be in my future?... sure, i have goals... but will they be achieved? I ask myself this often.. it still remains a mystery. a cloud of smoke in an open pasture. not sure where to turn next...

the clothes are my back are so heavy and cold and have the aroma of mildew from the water. I know i should take them off, but then what is left to clothe me? leaves from a fig tree?.... not a bad idea, but sounds like too much work. I am uncomfortable, cold, have no idea where i am going, and i want to get out of these clothes! within seconds i find myself on the shoulder of the narrow road, taking a break from the commotion in my head. This is not where i belong...

I want to run free but be surrounded by fences... not to hold me back, but to protect me. I want to look up at the sun, and feel small but big because i know who created it. i want to dive into the unknown without the fear of getting hurt. i wanna trust that people do love me, and care for me. I want to believe what people tell me. I want to see myself as beautiful. i want to be confident. alive. i want TRUE FREEDOM.

maybe ill have to drop things along the way.. but one day i will feel lighter. i will be able to breathe. ill be able to smile without the aching pain inside that comes with it. i wanna share my story. i want to impact peoples lives. i want to love and smile and hug. i want to be who You created me to be.

use me. do as You please. Tou took my pain on the tree. You rescued me from raging waters. You gave me rest in the midst of a dreadful adventure, and You gave me LOVE.

no more running wild, im Yours for life.. You got me here. You got me here. :)