I live in a 1,000 sq foot guest house with my husband of a year and a half. We do not have a kitchen. We have a room with a fridge and an oven.... and i must not forget, a dishwasher... thats broke. no sink. no countertops. We have been "working on it" since before we moved in. Our goal was to save money and to buy a home after living here for a year, but anyone who is a newlywed can attest, thats not the easiest thing to do.
Let me take a step back and start from the very beginning.
Our first date---
I'll never forget it.. matter of fact, I still remember what I was wearing: skinny jeans, rider boots, and a long sleeved, "burnt out", fall- colored shirt. My hair was fixed with a 3-barrell curling iron. He picked me up in a silver dodge ram pickup.. My first thought was "nice, I like a man who drives a truck" (i don't know why i find that so attractive, so don't ask). If I am being completely honest, I did not expect anything to come from this. I had known Michael through a previous guy I dated when I was 15 years old and that was probably one of the lower points of my life.. It wasn't till I was 20 that I seen Michael (hanging out with the same mutual "friend") and thought... wow! he is a lot cuter than I remember! ;)
I was nervous for this night... I didn't know what to expect. I had never really been on a real date... and yes, I was 21 years old... and yes, i had a few boyfriends previously, but none courted me. I remember hopping up into his truck and immediately started talking his ear off (UGH! WHY DO I DO THAT WHEN IM NERVOUS?!) Instead of enjoying the silence, I had to say something to make it less-awkward. We went bowling. He won. We sat in a grocery store parking lot and then he took me back to my car... I don't remember every conversation, I don't remember the score, & no, we did not fall in love that night! however, I do remember that I didn't want the night to end.
Michael and I didn't see each other again for over two weeks... I was going through a lot of things and made some not-so-wise decisions. I missed him. I missed him a lot...and that totally freaked me out. I had gone through some not so great days with guys that ruined the "lovey dovey" scene for me. I didn't "miss" guys. I just didn't. I never allowed myself to do so. I thought for sure I would be single forever. I thought for sure I was ugly because I valued myself on how many guys (or lack-there-of) were interested in me. I had been "burnt" many times by the "L" word and as much as I hated it, I longed for it (as most girls do).
Let it be known that my "bad decisions" involved a man (more like a boy).
To clarify, I did not run to the FIRST man who gave me attention. I had plenty of guys that gave me attention but it was in all the wrong ways.
Michael and I did not date for 5 years. heck, we didn't even date for 5 months.
The beauty in it all is that this was OUR decision. We were "official" in march. He proposed in June, and we were married September 1. Its funny to think back... it took us a month until we even had our first kiss, but we had no problem rushing everything else.
This is where the reasoning of this blog entry comes into place.
As a little girl I dreamt of being married. I dreamt of the way marriage would be, the way parenting would be. Although I am still dreaming of the parenting part, I now know that marriage is not at all what it seems.
Before you think that I am bashing marriage, think again. I LOVE MARRIAGE. I LOVE IT. I love the fights and making ups, I don't mind the disagreements on money, the tears that come after an argument, and the lovely "stop leaving the toilet seat up" convo's. I love it all. but not because it is marriage, but because of who I am in that marriage with.
As girls we tend to over-obsess with the things of our wedding day.. the dress, the flowers, the center-pieces, the RING, and everything that says "its all about me"... but in all honesty, the closer my wedding day got the more I realized I didnt care. I could have went and eloped (saved my parents a ton of money) and still ended up loving marriage just the same.
No, I did not dream and fantasize about living next to my parents in a renovated "pool home". I didn't fantasize about arguments and words being flown that neither of us mean, and I most definitely did not dream about the day when I would come to terms with the fact that not EVERYONE is FOR US.
I know, I snuck that one in there... but that one line is the motivation between this entire entry.
Not everyone is for our marriage. In fact, there may be people in my husbands family that may not even like me. There may be people in my family that may not like Michael. One thing that I have learned is that everyone has an opinion on everything.. and I have always been quick to turn a blind-eye to the opinions others may make on my marriage or whether or not one of us deserves the other but today I stand up and say "it doesn't matter".
If you know me, you know I am a control freak/people pleaser. I hate it when others are mad at me. I lose sleep when I hear that someone doesn't like me. (yes, me. the outgoing "i dont give a damn" attitude is just a facade). I am insecure. I want people to like me. I want people to know me. I say things I don't mean often, but I am very tender-hearted and feel bad almost immediately. I admit when I am wrong, I apologize quickly and accept apologies even faster. But trying to win the approval of everyone else is exhausting. It is absolutely tiring. It is taking a toll on my marriage.
Marriage is innocent. whether you lived together for years before, whether you waited for marriage, or whether you didnt wait but wish you had-- marriage is sacred. Marriage is between 3 people. & as much as some people get caught in the moment and think that they're one of the three, let me break it down for you -God, Husband, Wife. not Husband, Wife, Brides mom. not Husband, Wife, husbands cousin. It has nothing to do with anyone else.
I am not the perfect wife.
I do not cook every night.
I do not clean every day.
My husband is also not the perfect husband.
To insinuate that one of us is more perfect than the other is to say that humanity has the ability to be perfect. Considering that we are incapable of being "perfect" I would say that it is okay if I do not live a life as Lucille Ball in 'I love Lucy'. Just as it is okay that my husband is no Ryan Gosling in 'The Notebook' or any other movie where the man romances his lady like she is the only one on earth. Yes, Michael loves me like no one else. I love Michael more than anything in this world. I scratch his back, I write him love letters, I give him baths, I buy him clothes, I organize the closet, I send him sappy text messages throughout the day. I long to be the "perfect wife" although it will never be possible, but what exactly makes someone a "perfect wife"???
Your opinion is not always needed, nor is mine- and I'm actually IN this marriage.
In closing,
I don't think people really understand what marriage is until you have been married. Marriage is not "she does everything for him, he does everything for her, they argue, they make up, they frolic in leaves and skip through daisy fields hand in hand."
Until you see that, I don't think you should have your concerns of my marriage. We trust in God, we trust in authority that God puts in our lives, and everything else is just hear-say to me.
The opinion of man does not matter to anymore. ESPECIALLY regarding my marriage.
Make assumptions on my marriage if you must, however- unless you think I love my husband, I want him to know how much I love him, I strive to be a better wife, and he also loves me, wants me to know he loves me, and strives to be a better husband-- then you're wrong.
Glad we cleared that up. :)
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
sweetly broken
Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy9CGymYvuA
Leeland- Carried to the Table.
I learned an interesting fact a few years back that will forever be imbedded in my heart and my mind. When a shepherd loses one of his sheep and finds it he breaks all four of the legs on the sheep. After breaking the legs and making the sheep lame, he begins to wrap the two front legs together and the two hind legs together. He then proceeds to pick the lamed sheep up, and puts the sheep around his neck. All the while as the sheep is being carried by the shepherd until the legs are mended, the shepherd talks out loud to himself, thinking out loud, talking to the sheep. When the sheep legs are healed and whole, the sheep never leaves the shepherds side. The sheep is so in tune with the shepherds voice that he nearly clings to the shepherd from that point on.
When I first heard this, I was in a season much like the one I am in now. I was broken. Feeling completely and utterly hopeless and alone, like nothing I did was right, I felt like a failure...
I feel a lot now, how i felt then. I feel like a disappointment. I feel like I have no control over anything, and if you know me you know that 'not having control' feeling alone is like torture to me. But for some reason, I am okay. I am relaxed. Embarrassed, hurt and confused, yes, but I am also surprisingly calm.
One thing that always fascinated me about the story of the shepherd and his sheep is that he wraps the legs and then carries the sheep until the sheep is no longer wounded.
Am I the only one who finds that beautiful?
Maybe I am alone when I say that there have been numerous times I have felt lame, and completely broken, but yet I was carried.
I am being carried right now, and I'd be lying if I said this wasnt the best feeling in the world. Yes, I am broken... but I am cared for enough to not be left this way. I am broken, but I am being carried. I am being carried as I am healing but in my opinion, being carried isnt the part that makes this season worth while. The part I desperately long for, is the part where Jesus begins to speak to me, and He doesnt stop. Day and night he is whispering into my ear, words of healing, words of love, words of redemption....
There is something so intimate and sweet about the broken seasons of our lives.
I have always tried to hide when I was broken. There is something about a wounded and lamed heart that isnt attractive to the naked eye. One might say that I am too emotional in this season, and others might say I am too hard, but the truth of the matter is.... in a broken season I am vulnerable, and I can't fight that anymore.
for years I have been marked with this impression that brokenness means you don't have it all together and the church almost looks down on that. And, well, as sad as I am to say it, I agree. But what is wrong with not having everything together? Can you honestly say you know ANYONE who has it "all together"??? if you say yes, you're lying. We are flawed and we live in a flawed world, therefore nothing is going to be perfect and no one can have it all together. So why do we put on a mask and pretend like we do have it all together??? My opinion: The church, the BODY OF CHRIST, has come up with a list of things you need to have to "fit in" although their motto is "come as you are" what they mean is, "come as who you want us to think you are". Now, keep in mind that I am honestly not placing ALL churches in with this, mainly a church I spent most of my teen years in. I felt like I could never "come clean" or "come out" with who I really was or how i REALLY felt, and, well, no one really asked, so I assumed that they didnt care. I went throughout my days in highschool as a complete hypocrite but was so rooted in so much sin and there was no one there offering to help me. I began pretending like i had it all together... it was so easy, but i was so miserable!
I received the most incredible yet simplistic revelation not long ago and it was this : GOD SEES MY BROKENNESS AS BEAUTY, AND HE LOVES ME AND EVERY CREVIC OF MY BROKEN LIFE.
Ever since this revelation it has literally been as if He gave me permission to, well, be ME. in WHATEVER season of my life. I can walk in it knowing that I AM LOVED, AND ADORED, AND SEEN AS BEAUTIFUL.
Thats right, God sees ME, this fragile, bruised, and broken THING as BEAUTY. as a MASTERPIECE.
At the top of this entry I posted the lyrics to a song that has moved me in ways unexplainable. The lyrics alone bring tears to my eyes.
It describes my life: wounded, forsaken, broken, forgotten, lost, alone... but something shifts. When He is in the presence of the King, he no longer sees his brokenness... ah... I love it.
The beauty of brokenness is that even when you try to hide it, God SEES you there and CARRIES you.
Psalm 34 has always been a favorite of mine, but verse 18 gets me everytime..
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (nlt)
the Message says, "if your heart is broken, you'll find God right there!"
Its pure, its beauty, its sweet. God LOVES us... I can't stop smiling when I think about it!
When I was in 8th grade I was at a cheer camp in shangri-la. My parents weren't able to make it to the camp on the last day so I ended up riding home with my best friend at the time, Tobi and her family. We had it all planned out that they were going to drop me off in Muskogee and I was going to spend the remainder of the summer with my cousins, uncles aunts, and grandparents. I couldnt wait to see my family! When we were about an hour out of Muskogee I started having the most excruciating side pains in my life!!! I will never forget it. My stomach was in so much pain that it was causing my entire body to ache, especially my side and my back. When I got to Muskogee the pain had lessened but within 24 hours I was running a fever and was having the same severe pains. My mamaw was mad at me because I spent the night with my aunt the first night i was there (i know, it sounds dumb but you have to know my mamaw.... well, even then you wouldnt understand it lol) I was told by my own grandparents that I was not welcomed back over there.... problems kept occurring physically and emotionally. nothing was going right.
I ended up having to go to the hospital where I was told I had appendicitis... I was having to go down to get an ultra sound, there were no nurses around and I couldnt walk... no wheelchairs in sight.... my dad came to my bedside, picked me up, and carried me. now to the average girl with the average dad this may be normal... but for me, my mom and dad divorced when i was 9 and I have always been much closer to my step dad then my biological dad, which would explain why I never will forget it. I felt protected. and even though I was in a great deal of pain, I was comfortable.
This is God. WHEN EVERYTHING IN OUR LIFE IS LITERALLY CAVING IN ON US, WHEN NOTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING RIGHT.. OUR FAMILIES BETRAY US, WE FEEL HURT, ABANDONED, CONFUSED... HE PICKS US UP, SO WE CAN FEEL COMFORT.
Im telling the truth.... I was so moved that my dad was carrying me, I was like his baby girl again, for a moment I forgot I was even hurt. & that is how God is, too.
You know when you are trying to buy something at the store and you realize its damaged or broken? you put it back on the shelf... and find one that is in tact. THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. and subconsciously I think that is how we all feel at some point... that since we are broken... God is wanting to find someone who isnt...
but Leeland said it best... "EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS, THE SAVIOR CALLED MY NAME."
Maybe this is the whole meaning of life. That yes... there will be tough times... and yes you will be broken... but broken to be mended again... and in being mended again your relationship with God will be stronger, better, more intimate. That even when you're broken, his destiny for your life still stands... and he loves you the same.
its bittersweet. but much more sweet. That the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE.... MENDS YOU, AND DELIGHTS IN YOU... EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BROKEN... EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DAMAGED...
I'm sweetly broken... and I'm not ashamed anymore.
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy9CGymYvuA
Leeland- Carried to the Table.
I learned an interesting fact a few years back that will forever be imbedded in my heart and my mind. When a shepherd loses one of his sheep and finds it he breaks all four of the legs on the sheep. After breaking the legs and making the sheep lame, he begins to wrap the two front legs together and the two hind legs together. He then proceeds to pick the lamed sheep up, and puts the sheep around his neck. All the while as the sheep is being carried by the shepherd until the legs are mended, the shepherd talks out loud to himself, thinking out loud, talking to the sheep. When the sheep legs are healed and whole, the sheep never leaves the shepherds side. The sheep is so in tune with the shepherds voice that he nearly clings to the shepherd from that point on.
When I first heard this, I was in a season much like the one I am in now. I was broken. Feeling completely and utterly hopeless and alone, like nothing I did was right, I felt like a failure...
I feel a lot now, how i felt then. I feel like a disappointment. I feel like I have no control over anything, and if you know me you know that 'not having control' feeling alone is like torture to me. But for some reason, I am okay. I am relaxed. Embarrassed, hurt and confused, yes, but I am also surprisingly calm.
One thing that always fascinated me about the story of the shepherd and his sheep is that he wraps the legs and then carries the sheep until the sheep is no longer wounded.
Am I the only one who finds that beautiful?
Maybe I am alone when I say that there have been numerous times I have felt lame, and completely broken, but yet I was carried.
I am being carried right now, and I'd be lying if I said this wasnt the best feeling in the world. Yes, I am broken... but I am cared for enough to not be left this way. I am broken, but I am being carried. I am being carried as I am healing but in my opinion, being carried isnt the part that makes this season worth while. The part I desperately long for, is the part where Jesus begins to speak to me, and He doesnt stop. Day and night he is whispering into my ear, words of healing, words of love, words of redemption....
There is something so intimate and sweet about the broken seasons of our lives.
I have always tried to hide when I was broken. There is something about a wounded and lamed heart that isnt attractive to the naked eye. One might say that I am too emotional in this season, and others might say I am too hard, but the truth of the matter is.... in a broken season I am vulnerable, and I can't fight that anymore.
for years I have been marked with this impression that brokenness means you don't have it all together and the church almost looks down on that. And, well, as sad as I am to say it, I agree. But what is wrong with not having everything together? Can you honestly say you know ANYONE who has it "all together"??? if you say yes, you're lying. We are flawed and we live in a flawed world, therefore nothing is going to be perfect and no one can have it all together. So why do we put on a mask and pretend like we do have it all together??? My opinion: The church, the BODY OF CHRIST, has come up with a list of things you need to have to "fit in" although their motto is "come as you are" what they mean is, "come as who you want us to think you are". Now, keep in mind that I am honestly not placing ALL churches in with this, mainly a church I spent most of my teen years in. I felt like I could never "come clean" or "come out" with who I really was or how i REALLY felt, and, well, no one really asked, so I assumed that they didnt care. I went throughout my days in highschool as a complete hypocrite but was so rooted in so much sin and there was no one there offering to help me. I began pretending like i had it all together... it was so easy, but i was so miserable!
I received the most incredible yet simplistic revelation not long ago and it was this : GOD SEES MY BROKENNESS AS BEAUTY, AND HE LOVES ME AND EVERY CREVIC OF MY BROKEN LIFE.
Ever since this revelation it has literally been as if He gave me permission to, well, be ME. in WHATEVER season of my life. I can walk in it knowing that I AM LOVED, AND ADORED, AND SEEN AS BEAUTIFUL.
Thats right, God sees ME, this fragile, bruised, and broken THING as BEAUTY. as a MASTERPIECE.
At the top of this entry I posted the lyrics to a song that has moved me in ways unexplainable. The lyrics alone bring tears to my eyes.
It describes my life: wounded, forsaken, broken, forgotten, lost, alone... but something shifts. When He is in the presence of the King, he no longer sees his brokenness... ah... I love it.
The beauty of brokenness is that even when you try to hide it, God SEES you there and CARRIES you.
Psalm 34 has always been a favorite of mine, but verse 18 gets me everytime..
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (nlt)
the Message says, "if your heart is broken, you'll find God right there!"
Its pure, its beauty, its sweet. God LOVES us... I can't stop smiling when I think about it!
When I was in 8th grade I was at a cheer camp in shangri-la. My parents weren't able to make it to the camp on the last day so I ended up riding home with my best friend at the time, Tobi and her family. We had it all planned out that they were going to drop me off in Muskogee and I was going to spend the remainder of the summer with my cousins, uncles aunts, and grandparents. I couldnt wait to see my family! When we were about an hour out of Muskogee I started having the most excruciating side pains in my life!!! I will never forget it. My stomach was in so much pain that it was causing my entire body to ache, especially my side and my back. When I got to Muskogee the pain had lessened but within 24 hours I was running a fever and was having the same severe pains. My mamaw was mad at me because I spent the night with my aunt the first night i was there (i know, it sounds dumb but you have to know my mamaw.... well, even then you wouldnt understand it lol) I was told by my own grandparents that I was not welcomed back over there.... problems kept occurring physically and emotionally. nothing was going right.
I ended up having to go to the hospital where I was told I had appendicitis... I was having to go down to get an ultra sound, there were no nurses around and I couldnt walk... no wheelchairs in sight.... my dad came to my bedside, picked me up, and carried me. now to the average girl with the average dad this may be normal... but for me, my mom and dad divorced when i was 9 and I have always been much closer to my step dad then my biological dad, which would explain why I never will forget it. I felt protected. and even though I was in a great deal of pain, I was comfortable.
This is God. WHEN EVERYTHING IN OUR LIFE IS LITERALLY CAVING IN ON US, WHEN NOTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING RIGHT.. OUR FAMILIES BETRAY US, WE FEEL HURT, ABANDONED, CONFUSED... HE PICKS US UP, SO WE CAN FEEL COMFORT.
Im telling the truth.... I was so moved that my dad was carrying me, I was like his baby girl again, for a moment I forgot I was even hurt. & that is how God is, too.
You know when you are trying to buy something at the store and you realize its damaged or broken? you put it back on the shelf... and find one that is in tact. THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. and subconsciously I think that is how we all feel at some point... that since we are broken... God is wanting to find someone who isnt...
but Leeland said it best... "EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS, THE SAVIOR CALLED MY NAME."
Maybe this is the whole meaning of life. That yes... there will be tough times... and yes you will be broken... but broken to be mended again... and in being mended again your relationship with God will be stronger, better, more intimate. That even when you're broken, his destiny for your life still stands... and he loves you the same.
its bittersweet. but much more sweet. That the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE.... MENDS YOU, AND DELIGHTS IN YOU... EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BROKEN... EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DAMAGED...
I'm sweetly broken... and I'm not ashamed anymore.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
No more running wild...
I wrote this a little over a year ago after i had a revelation...
This is me, as the prodigal son...
As i sit here contemplating certain decisions.. thinking back on memorable moments in life.. tears from the heart, laughter from the soul, i sit back and wonder 'where am i heading'?
i was once in love with life. not because of friends, or family, or my country, not because of my hobbies, or my church, but because i knew who i was.. i knew what i wanted.. where i wanted to be.. where i didnt want to be.. and i was confident that all would fall into place in due time. I didnt hold my own life in my hands, but it belonged to someone else. i never lived my life as tho i would someday die for myself, or as if i was living for myself. i knew who held the key to my heart and i wouldnt allow anyone to try and sift that key away.. even if it meant being "alone" in worldly terms. I had the world at my fingertips because the one who is seated on the thrown lived in me. He guarded me and He lead me. I waited on Him before i moved, I called to Him before i spoke, and i rested in Him before I listened.
I was connected to Him through a wooden tree, and that wooden tree and him combined--it saved my life. Had it not been for this man who is greater then any other man... i would be lost, cold, & hopeless.
--the tree held my pain, the Man embraced it.
I saw a light, and i turned away from it. I heard a sweet voice, and i was dismayed. I felt a tender hand, and pushed it aside. I began to hide in my own desires. what do i want. where do i want to be. how can i get there. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME was my disclaimer, and I had nothing else i wanted to say.
I have dreamt of freedom, of true happiness, of fresh air, and the life i knew i could have.. but for some reason, i turned my back.. i faced the crowd, nudging and rummaging my way to the back. 'I'm not a leader' i murmured, 'im tired of the responsibility' i shouted.. & as i made it to the ending gap of where followers and desolation was divided, i scraped all that was left inside of me, holding onto my flesh.. and i slowly walked away from the hustle and walked into the darkness that ever so strangely still sends a chill down my spine.
I remember how it happened. it didnt come out of nowhere, but my heart was familiar with it all along.. almost as if my body had waited for the moment to break away from the rules.. and i got to live. little did i know, the terms live and die resemble one another a lot in this context.. actually, more then i had realized. My insides were slowly dying away.. where was my conscience and my conviction?.. where has my morals aspirations gone? was i truly living in freedom, or was i in denial knowing the true meaning of this freedom i was actually basking in was in itself true bondage?... did i lie to myself for so long that i was okay with being in bondage?...
as my flesh stayed, kicked back its feet, and enjoyed the scenery..i felt complacent. That alone was not something i wanted to feel. How could this dark room ever bring me satisfaction? I am not sure if i was more concerned about the destination i had found myself in at the time, or if i was upset that i was truly alone. Where are these friends that said they'd be here for me? where is the family that always said 'family comes first'? where are the ones i should have forgotten, but said that they would always love me? where are they now?
i knew they were around.. but i felt as if they weren't there for me. I felt their lingering eyes penetrating in my skull as i cried for help, i heard the mocking laughs as i wept, I saw the disapproving and disappointment in the way they looked at me. i was in a raging river, without a life jacket.. no one threw me a line, no one threw me a floating device, no one jumped in and rescued me... yet the whole time people cried out for help.. who they were talking to, may very well be the One who still holds my heart... in the midst of adversity i felt the strong grip.. I was calm, was not frightened, i was secure for the first time. Needless to say i made it back to shore. clothes are a mess, makeup smeared, hair tangled, bursting out into tears, i fell to the ground. I heard voices.. "take off the dirty clothes, and put these on".."heres a towel to wipe off your face.." "he will never wanna be with you looking like that!".... i felt an arm brush against my back. as i looked, i saw the most beautiful face, too hard to even try to imagine. His cheeks were glossy, and his eyes were radiant. He stood me up, brushed the mangled hair out of my face, looked into my eyes, and said with the softest voice, "You're beautiful"... oddly enough, i believed Him. I knew He thought about me. I knew He watched me. He knew everything about me. He didn't ask me to change my clothes, to fix my hair, to clean my face... he simply held me, as if all he saw was my heart.
i was secure in his rescue, but why was i so concerned at the way i looked? why was my focus on the outside? why did i care about what people thought of me?...
i feel like a product of my generation... and this is not who i am suppose to be.
When i look in the mirror, there is a pigment of someone i have only seen in my past. but the question still lingers, who WILL i be in my future?... sure, i have goals... but will they be achieved? I ask myself this often.. it still remains a mystery. a cloud of smoke in an open pasture. not sure where to turn next...
the clothes are my back are so heavy and cold and have the aroma of mildew from the water. I know i should take them off, but then what is left to clothe me? leaves from a fig tree?.... not a bad idea, but sounds like too much work. I am uncomfortable, cold, have no idea where i am going, and i want to get out of these clothes! within seconds i find myself on the shoulder of the narrow road, taking a break from the commotion in my head. This is not where i belong...
I want to run free but be surrounded by fences... not to hold me back, but to protect me. I want to look up at the sun, and feel small but big because i know who created it. i want to dive into the unknown without the fear of getting hurt. i wanna trust that people do love me, and care for me. I want to believe what people tell me. I want to see myself as beautiful. i want to be confident. alive. i want TRUE FREEDOM.
maybe ill have to drop things along the way.. but one day i will feel lighter. i will be able to breathe. ill be able to smile without the aching pain inside that comes with it. i wanna share my story. i want to impact peoples lives. i want to love and smile and hug. i want to be who You created me to be.
use me. do as You please. Tou took my pain on the tree. You rescued me from raging waters. You gave me rest in the midst of a dreadful adventure, and You gave me LOVE.
no more running wild, im Yours for life.. You got me here. You got me here. :)
i was once in love with life. not because of friends, or family, or my country, not because of my hobbies, or my church, but because i knew who i was.. i knew what i wanted.. where i wanted to be.. where i didnt want to be.. and i was confident that all would fall into place in due time. I didnt hold my own life in my hands, but it belonged to someone else. i never lived my life as tho i would someday die for myself, or as if i was living for myself. i knew who held the key to my heart and i wouldnt allow anyone to try and sift that key away.. even if it meant being "alone" in worldly terms. I had the world at my fingertips because the one who is seated on the thrown lived in me. He guarded me and He lead me. I waited on Him before i moved, I called to Him before i spoke, and i rested in Him before I listened.
I was connected to Him through a wooden tree, and that wooden tree and him combined--it saved my life. Had it not been for this man who is greater then any other man... i would be lost, cold, & hopeless.
--the tree held my pain, the Man embraced it.
I saw a light, and i turned away from it. I heard a sweet voice, and i was dismayed. I felt a tender hand, and pushed it aside. I began to hide in my own desires. what do i want. where do i want to be. how can i get there. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME was my disclaimer, and I had nothing else i wanted to say.
I have dreamt of freedom, of true happiness, of fresh air, and the life i knew i could have.. but for some reason, i turned my back.. i faced the crowd, nudging and rummaging my way to the back. 'I'm not a leader' i murmured, 'im tired of the responsibility' i shouted.. & as i made it to the ending gap of where followers and desolation was divided, i scraped all that was left inside of me, holding onto my flesh.. and i slowly walked away from the hustle and walked into the darkness that ever so strangely still sends a chill down my spine.
I remember how it happened. it didnt come out of nowhere, but my heart was familiar with it all along.. almost as if my body had waited for the moment to break away from the rules.. and i got to live. little did i know, the terms live and die resemble one another a lot in this context.. actually, more then i had realized. My insides were slowly dying away.. where was my conscience and my conviction?.. where has my morals aspirations gone? was i truly living in freedom, or was i in denial knowing the true meaning of this freedom i was actually basking in was in itself true bondage?... did i lie to myself for so long that i was okay with being in bondage?...
as my flesh stayed, kicked back its feet, and enjoyed the scenery..i felt complacent. That alone was not something i wanted to feel. How could this dark room ever bring me satisfaction? I am not sure if i was more concerned about the destination i had found myself in at the time, or if i was upset that i was truly alone. Where are these friends that said they'd be here for me? where is the family that always said 'family comes first'? where are the ones i should have forgotten, but said that they would always love me? where are they now?
i knew they were around.. but i felt as if they weren't there for me. I felt their lingering eyes penetrating in my skull as i cried for help, i heard the mocking laughs as i wept, I saw the disapproving and disappointment in the way they looked at me. i was in a raging river, without a life jacket.. no one threw me a line, no one threw me a floating device, no one jumped in and rescued me... yet the whole time people cried out for help.. who they were talking to, may very well be the One who still holds my heart... in the midst of adversity i felt the strong grip.. I was calm, was not frightened, i was secure for the first time. Needless to say i made it back to shore. clothes are a mess, makeup smeared, hair tangled, bursting out into tears, i fell to the ground. I heard voices.. "take off the dirty clothes, and put these on".."heres a towel to wipe off your face.." "he will never wanna be with you looking like that!".... i felt an arm brush against my back. as i looked, i saw the most beautiful face, too hard to even try to imagine. His cheeks were glossy, and his eyes were radiant. He stood me up, brushed the mangled hair out of my face, looked into my eyes, and said with the softest voice, "You're beautiful"... oddly enough, i believed Him. I knew He thought about me. I knew He watched me. He knew everything about me. He didn't ask me to change my clothes, to fix my hair, to clean my face... he simply held me, as if all he saw was my heart.
i was secure in his rescue, but why was i so concerned at the way i looked? why was my focus on the outside? why did i care about what people thought of me?...
i feel like a product of my generation... and this is not who i am suppose to be.
When i look in the mirror, there is a pigment of someone i have only seen in my past. but the question still lingers, who WILL i be in my future?... sure, i have goals... but will they be achieved? I ask myself this often.. it still remains a mystery. a cloud of smoke in an open pasture. not sure where to turn next...
the clothes are my back are so heavy and cold and have the aroma of mildew from the water. I know i should take them off, but then what is left to clothe me? leaves from a fig tree?.... not a bad idea, but sounds like too much work. I am uncomfortable, cold, have no idea where i am going, and i want to get out of these clothes! within seconds i find myself on the shoulder of the narrow road, taking a break from the commotion in my head. This is not where i belong...
I want to run free but be surrounded by fences... not to hold me back, but to protect me. I want to look up at the sun, and feel small but big because i know who created it. i want to dive into the unknown without the fear of getting hurt. i wanna trust that people do love me, and care for me. I want to believe what people tell me. I want to see myself as beautiful. i want to be confident. alive. i want TRUE FREEDOM.
maybe ill have to drop things along the way.. but one day i will feel lighter. i will be able to breathe. ill be able to smile without the aching pain inside that comes with it. i wanna share my story. i want to impact peoples lives. i want to love and smile and hug. i want to be who You created me to be.
use me. do as You please. Tou took my pain on the tree. You rescued me from raging waters. You gave me rest in the midst of a dreadful adventure, and You gave me LOVE.
no more running wild, im Yours for life.. You got me here. You got me here. :)
Monday, November 21, 2011
why I made it, and why I'm keepin' it.
I'm not much of a blogger and I am sure you can tell that by being on here for less than 30 seconds.
I'm not sorry I don't write or update everyday or even every week, but I don't want to ramble on about pointless things that don't matter like "50 things I want to do before I'm 50" (which i prolly will write out on a day when I'm really bored but thats not the point). When I write, I am motivated by things that change me, or by things that I think will change others. the previous entries have not been this case, however. I initially started a blog for all of the people who were being nosey and wanted to know where I was and what I was doing with my life.
Now that you know why I made a blog, I am going to tell you why I am going to keep my blog.
In a world of chaos, confusion, and desperation, I feel as if I am intertwined in all three. Maybe this is normal for a 21 year old girl, maybe its not. I want to be able to express myself in a way that isnt too vulnerable in a sense that I am posting my baggage and insecurities as my facebook status, forcing everyone who is friends with me to see how im REALLY feeling... when in reality theyre really only on there to stalk the guy or girl they like, read about everyone elses drama to make them feel better about their own, or to waste hours playing the games i.e farmville, cityville, and all the other villes out there.
I will keep a blog for the people who actually want to know whats on my mind. But that is not all. I am going to be selfish for about 30 seconds and say that as a 21 yr old going through this thing we call life, I need an escape, I need a tablet, a confidant, a diary, anything and everything that I can truly be myself to. I want to write things that are on my heart, that are on my mind, and I strive to write things that matter most to me.
I'm not going to write out deep dark secrets, or give way too much information, im not stupid.
With that warning, I will starting my "first" blog entry soon.
I'm not sorry I don't write or update everyday or even every week, but I don't want to ramble on about pointless things that don't matter like "50 things I want to do before I'm 50" (which i prolly will write out on a day when I'm really bored but thats not the point). When I write, I am motivated by things that change me, or by things that I think will change others. the previous entries have not been this case, however. I initially started a blog for all of the people who were being nosey and wanted to know where I was and what I was doing with my life.
Now that you know why I made a blog, I am going to tell you why I am going to keep my blog.
In a world of chaos, confusion, and desperation, I feel as if I am intertwined in all three. Maybe this is normal for a 21 year old girl, maybe its not. I want to be able to express myself in a way that isnt too vulnerable in a sense that I am posting my baggage and insecurities as my facebook status, forcing everyone who is friends with me to see how im REALLY feeling... when in reality theyre really only on there to stalk the guy or girl they like, read about everyone elses drama to make them feel better about their own, or to waste hours playing the games i.e farmville, cityville, and all the other villes out there.
I will keep a blog for the people who actually want to know whats on my mind. But that is not all. I am going to be selfish for about 30 seconds and say that as a 21 yr old going through this thing we call life, I need an escape, I need a tablet, a confidant, a diary, anything and everything that I can truly be myself to. I want to write things that are on my heart, that are on my mind, and I strive to write things that matter most to me.
I'm not going to write out deep dark secrets, or give way too much information, im not stupid.
With that warning, I will starting my "first" blog entry soon.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My recent adVentura.
About 3 months ago there were a couple of things going on in my family causing me to become overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious. My anxiety began to take a toll with mild panic attacks that were so haunting I couldn't sleep, hang out with people, drive, or even enjoy life. I felt tormented to say the least. I received a free plane ticket to Seattle Wa to get away for a couple of weeks, relax, and visit some friends I missed so much.
The night before I was scheduled to leave, I became overwhelmed with fear of having a panic attack on the plane. I ended up getting on the plane the next morning and made it to Seattle, safe and sound. After being there for one week on January 4, 2011 I had made my way to intern prayer at the UD campus. Wanting to go there to see old friends I was so captivated by the presence of God and as Pastor Mark Venti began speaking to the interns I felt he was speaking directly to me. 'Tell God what you want' he said, 'ask God for the things you desire'. I asked God for 3 things: Supernatural rest, His presence to be so tangible in and around me that I could never deny Him, and clarity on what He wanted from me next.
Being an intern for 2 years at the City Church was such a privilege as I had the opportunity to glean from such amazing people and grow in relationships with not only amazing peers but world renown pastors! One of which would be Pastor Jude Fouquier. This man is such an awesome pastor, he truly loves people. He and His wife, Pastor Becky are probably two people that I pray to be like. Theyre both so encouraging, love God with their whole hearts, and it shows in every relationship, every encouraging word, and everything they do. This summer the Fouquiers were called to a small city in California called Ventura to pioneer a church. Obviously myself and others who know Pastor Jude and his family would be honored to follow them but cards weren't lining up and I was okay with that.
I enrolled at a community college in Oklahoma to begin my degree in Psychology which would soon lead me to ORU to major in psychology and minor in missions, setting me up to be a minister in some other country (Gods choice) ;]. I had my next 5 years all planned out to the date and I was ready for school to start on Jan 18. After telling a few people in Seattle my plans to go back to Oklahoma and start school my heart began to feel unsettled.
On Tues, January 4th I had a dream that I was talking to a girl I had never seen before. I was telling her how God comes in last minute and changes all of my plans. 'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps' & 'the steps of a righteous (wo)man are ordered of God' were a couple verses I kept saying throughout our conversation. I told her that I am fully confident when I make a decision because God always comes in and surprises me if its not His will. I looked over and there we were, sitting on a concrete wall right along the beach.
I woke up and just began to pray and read my Bible. I was reading in Exodus randomly and began to tell God that if in fact this dream was from Him that I needed confirmation. That night I went to GC and low and behold John Fouquier came up to me, gave me a hug, and started talking about how I should move to Ventura. I was in shock seeing as John and I have probably said 3 words to one another. I went to my seat, and as church started i began to sing along with praise and worship. Right away God said to me 'well, thats what you wanted'. Overwhelmed and so confused I talked to a friend and got some advice, she told me to ask God for a scripture, in that I went to my seat, opened my bible and there it was right where I had left off earlier that day Exodus 33:14 -I will send you there, my presence will be with you, and I will give you rest.
the next few days were a blur as I talked to many leaders, and my parents and was being encouraged and got thumbs up all the way I changed my flight to LA instead of Oklahoma and I am now in Ventura! I have found a place to live but am now on the search for a job!
God is so great and is so funny how he works things out. It is truly amazing how He actually does give us the desires of our hearts!
here is what God paints for me everyday. (:
Oh the adVentura's we have in life.
(:
Ex Nihilo,
Ash
The night before I was scheduled to leave, I became overwhelmed with fear of having a panic attack on the plane. I ended up getting on the plane the next morning and made it to Seattle, safe and sound. After being there for one week on January 4, 2011 I had made my way to intern prayer at the UD campus. Wanting to go there to see old friends I was so captivated by the presence of God and as Pastor Mark Venti began speaking to the interns I felt he was speaking directly to me. 'Tell God what you want' he said, 'ask God for the things you desire'. I asked God for 3 things: Supernatural rest, His presence to be so tangible in and around me that I could never deny Him, and clarity on what He wanted from me next.
Being an intern for 2 years at the City Church was such a privilege as I had the opportunity to glean from such amazing people and grow in relationships with not only amazing peers but world renown pastors! One of which would be Pastor Jude Fouquier. This man is such an awesome pastor, he truly loves people. He and His wife, Pastor Becky are probably two people that I pray to be like. Theyre both so encouraging, love God with their whole hearts, and it shows in every relationship, every encouraging word, and everything they do. This summer the Fouquiers were called to a small city in California called Ventura to pioneer a church. Obviously myself and others who know Pastor Jude and his family would be honored to follow them but cards weren't lining up and I was okay with that.
I enrolled at a community college in Oklahoma to begin my degree in Psychology which would soon lead me to ORU to major in psychology and minor in missions, setting me up to be a minister in some other country (Gods choice) ;]. I had my next 5 years all planned out to the date and I was ready for school to start on Jan 18. After telling a few people in Seattle my plans to go back to Oklahoma and start school my heart began to feel unsettled.
On Tues, January 4th I had a dream that I was talking to a girl I had never seen before. I was telling her how God comes in last minute and changes all of my plans. 'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps' & 'the steps of a righteous (wo)man are ordered of God' were a couple verses I kept saying throughout our conversation. I told her that I am fully confident when I make a decision because God always comes in and surprises me if its not His will. I looked over and there we were, sitting on a concrete wall right along the beach.
I woke up and just began to pray and read my Bible. I was reading in Exodus randomly and began to tell God that if in fact this dream was from Him that I needed confirmation. That night I went to GC and low and behold John Fouquier came up to me, gave me a hug, and started talking about how I should move to Ventura. I was in shock seeing as John and I have probably said 3 words to one another. I went to my seat, and as church started i began to sing along with praise and worship. Right away God said to me 'well, thats what you wanted'. Overwhelmed and so confused I talked to a friend and got some advice, she told me to ask God for a scripture, in that I went to my seat, opened my bible and there it was right where I had left off earlier that day Exodus 33:14 -I will send you there, my presence will be with you, and I will give you rest.
the next few days were a blur as I talked to many leaders, and my parents and was being encouraged and got thumbs up all the way I changed my flight to LA instead of Oklahoma and I am now in Ventura! I have found a place to live but am now on the search for a job!
God is so great and is so funny how he works things out. It is truly amazing how He actually does give us the desires of our hearts!
here is what God paints for me everyday. (:
Oh the adVentura's we have in life.
(:
Ex Nihilo,
Ash
Out of Nothing
I hear it every day from someone new, 'you should get a blog' or 'do you have a blog?'. I never thought my life was interesting enough for one of these but now that I finally have something to write, I figure its time I do so. In all honesty there have been so many changes made in my life over the last few weeks that I am tired of telling everyone over and over again so now I'll have them come here! Lets start off with my blog page name: Ex Nihilo. Ex Nihilo is a latin term meaning 'Out of Nothing'. I learned this word as a second year intern at the City Church in Seattle, WA and have been a tad obsessed with it ever since. It speaks in so many different ways concerning me. Were we not all made out of nothing? I am completely in awe when I see that God truly wants to use me when I came out of nothing. I'm not from a wealthy family, Im not a daughter of some well known televangelist, I wasn't taught in a private school learning about God. Im just an ordinary girl from a small town in Oklahoma, the buckle of the bible belt trying to find my place in the world. Ex Nihilo is my revelation to where God has brought me. He truly has made me something, where i used to be nothing.
Consider Peter for a moment. Peter was said to have been very short, high-pitched voice, and bad breath. People looked at him as a 'least of these' kind of man, unworthy, unknown, yet God made SOMETHING out of his NOTHING and He led so many people to the Lord and was a personal disciple of Jesus.
What about Esther? A poor jewish orphan, had nothing to offer but was obedient and God made something out of her nothing! She was used to save an entire nation! Moses, a stutterer, timid guy who was used to lead Gods people out of slavery. God wants to use us all and He wants to make something out of our nothing.
I have felt so useless at times and so small. I have compared myself to others I knew who have been preaching for years or who have been prophesied to in front of hundreds of people. I have compared myself to those who are related to someone high up in the ministry and are a "shoe-in" to preach to the world. A revelation I received after seeing this word was in the words of a song titled 'Majesty' by Delirious. "Your grace has found me just as i am, empty handed but alive in Your hands'. This has been a favorite song of mine for years but more then any other line in the song, this is the one that speaks to me the loudest. God is not concerned by what you do or do not have, but he sees your heart, the very depth of who you are. Would you give it all to him?
I imagine the lady who gave her two last pennies in the book of Mark. Everyone was giving so much money and things but she came and gave all she had. She could have watched all the wealthy people coming in giving so much more then she even had to offer and she could have changed her mind. She could have allowed the comparison in her mind to hold her back from giving all she had considering it was only a tiny fraction to what others had given but she didn't. Jesus was not concerned that she had only given 2 coins, he was pleased because she, all though she had nothing, gave everything. I want to give God all of me, even if its not worth a lot in my eyes because God can make something out of my nothing. I love that. It shows a complete new spectrum of His everlasting grace. He truly does love us!
Ex Nihilo,
Ash
Consider Peter for a moment. Peter was said to have been very short, high-pitched voice, and bad breath. People looked at him as a 'least of these' kind of man, unworthy, unknown, yet God made SOMETHING out of his NOTHING and He led so many people to the Lord and was a personal disciple of Jesus.
What about Esther? A poor jewish orphan, had nothing to offer but was obedient and God made something out of her nothing! She was used to save an entire nation! Moses, a stutterer, timid guy who was used to lead Gods people out of slavery. God wants to use us all and He wants to make something out of our nothing.
I have felt so useless at times and so small. I have compared myself to others I knew who have been preaching for years or who have been prophesied to in front of hundreds of people. I have compared myself to those who are related to someone high up in the ministry and are a "shoe-in" to preach to the world. A revelation I received after seeing this word was in the words of a song titled 'Majesty' by Delirious. "Your grace has found me just as i am, empty handed but alive in Your hands'. This has been a favorite song of mine for years but more then any other line in the song, this is the one that speaks to me the loudest. God is not concerned by what you do or do not have, but he sees your heart, the very depth of who you are. Would you give it all to him?
I imagine the lady who gave her two last pennies in the book of Mark. Everyone was giving so much money and things but she came and gave all she had. She could have watched all the wealthy people coming in giving so much more then she even had to offer and she could have changed her mind. She could have allowed the comparison in her mind to hold her back from giving all she had considering it was only a tiny fraction to what others had given but she didn't. Jesus was not concerned that she had only given 2 coins, he was pleased because she, all though she had nothing, gave everything. I want to give God all of me, even if its not worth a lot in my eyes because God can make something out of my nothing. I love that. It shows a complete new spectrum of His everlasting grace. He truly does love us!
Ex Nihilo,
Ash
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